BANG

Okay, booked out yesterday afternoon really stressed, worried about how to pay the 1.2k with my measily 500 pay. I still have USD but baam i chanced and played the mtts, down ~$100+ it was okay, den, internet crashed when i was 10 tabling turbo sngs and deep in a $55 and $26. Came back to see myself blinded out badly and 0 turbo sngs running. That was so bad, $200~ damage, chilled and continue trying out the $10 sngs and BAAM crashed again. Fuck it man this time i tilted everything away. Its okay, i will be back.

***

From now on i will be focusing on survival, surviving till i O.R.D, no point trying to get big scores, taking stupid shots and stuff. I just want to be debt free by Oct 2011. This is the current goal. And i didnt run bad, i played bad. Ending this weekend with ~$60+ profit from 6 hours at the $10 super turbos. Looks like the $5s are more profitable for now.

***

I'm kinda feeling tired from all these relationships. They are so far away, and i think i can't accept anything from them. When i need money or anything, i do not go to them. What's the point of having someone who is there for you when you do nothing about it? I sound a bit contradicting. I will just do what i can and let the job show the results.

Time for some updates!

Actually i had 2 very long and excuciating blog posts in my handphone but couldnt seem to copy paste it. Mmmn Oil kinda called me and told me she was pregnant. G-G i was juz about to break up with her after deliberating for so long, den she told me this. But kinda sorted things out and we both agreed that we should break up for now until at least after i finish my army. As for the child, i think shes 90% gonna abort it. Im not ready to be a father also i mean. Aiya i dun feel as bad as i felt 4 days ago. Thanks lynne for being there for me really! Means so much to me.

Everyone is chasing me for debts right now im up till my neck! Really dunno how to manage all this debts. Im making abit of money online but its so hard to withdraw also. Sending checks.. im not sure if it will work and moneybooker's side i also not sure. Gotta go to camp in 1 hour or so.

Okay, favourite time! GRAPHS!

ALL-TIME super turbo 9-man(first 128 were $2 and the rest are $5)

And lastly, the SUPER graph of the 1st week of july!

I know you cant enlarge the graphs for now, will do it nxt week. sorry

Taiwan -> Thailand ->?

Gosh things really sucked this time! Went to Thailand thinking i could sort things out with oil, ended up disastrous. I even cut short my trip and went to BKK frm ChiangMai to visit Ploy which i felt was the least i could do to be fair to her. Spent 2 very happy days with her and kinda make me sink back into the love love mood. Things are definitely getting better for me these days. Oh yah and im in a driving course now, booking out on sat afternoons and booking in on sunday at 9pm definitely does not help things at all. But luckily i found my new source of income: $5 super turbos on FTP.

13.2% ROI on the $2.15 over 128 games
29.7% ROI on the $5.30 over 108 games

No doubt small sample sizes but i really feel into this right now. Like im really good at it at this level. I only can 16 table right now because of the screen size. I probably can play 50 $5.30/hour which equates to ~$50USD/hour excluding rakeback! Wonder if i wasnt in army now, how far this would bring me. And i only need a really small bankroll to play this game. $1000USD seems enough for now since i haven't seen the monster swings in super turbos yet. I mean every 20hours = 1k usd so 100 hour months = 5kusd? for just playing $5 super turbos? wow i really think thats pretty sick. And if i stay in thailand it would just be super cool.. but fuck the army i really feel like just AWOL and go thailand now. I got pretty much everything there i feel. But of course my naive thinking has failed me time and time again.

Whats my plan now? I always ask myself that but this time it will be just to not spew in life. That's all im asking from myself. I am the boss of my life now. And the first step is just not to spew in life and the first goal is.. to not bet the world cup. Its fucked up. Had enough fun already.

I really need to find a psychologist now, to advice me in someway of another. I need a solid backer but thats provided i play solid right? I dunno, im winning the $5 ST but maybe moving up might not be such a gd idea right?

Also im having a really bad sleeping problem now. I keep falling asleep when i do things that require little attention for example, staying awake in class, 9tabling super turbos.. I KNOW WTF RIGHT? I think i just have a really short attention span. And i do not hope i make it in life. I know i will. Just need to burn SAF down first.

Oh yah, my driving course ends somewhere in 7 weeks time and im aiming to hit 1500 ST by then, cause if thats the case, i would be like $1500usd richer. HAHA all the best to myself!

Back from taiwan!

Taiwan was great in a way.. Manage to hustle some money from my noob camp mates in dai dee haha, covered my expenses in a way. Got myself this pair of ownage shoes which costs like 2000NT. The exercise was enriching as i learnt many new things about trunk comms. Talked alot to my PC during this taiwan trip and kinda had things sorted out and highly motivated to come back to singapore and cary out the plan, ALAS things did not turn out so well but okay, i accept what i have for now. After playing abit of hold em, i feel that im not as motivated to play as i used to.. I gave myself a new target to hit, but my backer seems to want me to take things slow, maybe abit too slow but oh well, guess i have to take whatever i have for now.. I sincerely hope he reconsiders and accede to my 1kusd/month request, but i guess i have to perform first. In short, i have a plan all worked out, now juz for the grind.. but the site kinda sucks cuz not much traffic.. dun feel like blogging much now, maybe later.

downward spiral

Booked out this week, totally no mood to play at all... i dunno why. I think im really burned out. Won $400 but ended up down like 1k in later on. Im really feeling fucking sad right now. Im so confused... Now i have 2 girlfriends, oil is like on the rocks with me, we have been through so much.. i was looking at my camera yesterday night and i was juz overwhelmed with emotions.. On the other hand, ploy is showering me with the much needed love i lack. Both are not in singapore.. ARGHH i duno, i juz dun feel like doing anything nowadays, and spending time in army is soo comforting, its my escape from the harsh world. Im really starting to worry about my future. What will it be like? No qualifications, no skills now. Everyone thinks im damn rich blah blah blah... but recently i really sold everything, i got nothing to my name anymore. This is so crazy, i regret getting involved with poker now, but i got no choice, its my only road, my only way out. I used to think im xxx good and so on but now i realise there is so many better players out there and im just so average.

I really hope this trip to taiwan can help me straighten my thoughts out. Im in so much shit now i dunno what to fucking do. I mean even if the money problem is solved, im still feeling so bad, i dunno what i want anymore. I always ask who can help me, but i always never bother to think what i can do to help myself.. thats a bad life leak i mean arghh i am really so sick of myself. Coming to this world is such a torture.

I just wanna be with my loved ones and spend time with them and like juz take everything slower and easier.. But hold on, why are they even interested in me, im like in a slump, im not even like hot or anything what do they see in me? FML

Movie but..

Fuck it man i was juz thinking of enjoying a meal @ pasta mania den go watch movie at tamp mall.. den i realized im fucking alone i got no one to go with. On the other hand i can always go alone, not likes its the first time den it strucked in my face; i have a fucking gf but she's always not there for me. I mean i'm also not there for her BUT IM IN THE ARMY damn it. I feel that she's like yah she likes me but she won't die for me kinda thing. I mean seriously WHY CANT SHE MOVE TO SG. She can't work here, MAKE A WAY LA CB. I mean i also spent so much time in BKK at the start also what. haix this is not working out at all. First i monkey tilt, now im indulging in self-pity. This is going sososososo wrong. fuck man. I need counselling

MONKEY TILTED!

And so i was running like damn bad losing ~800 in 100 hands, really damn bad. Tilted and took it to 5/10 and lost it all. Seriously this is damn bad man. 12kUSD in makeup, and 20k in debts is no longer a joking matter. This is so fucking sick man. Im damn angry that i went to monkey tilt the money, and the amount is getting really big. 12kusd oh my fucking god man. Imagine someone giving me this amount in cash to play. wtf? I should start appreciating the people who are good to me who are around me.. Maybe now i understand why my backer gets so pissed sometimes. If i were him, i probably would be damn fucking angry i mean wtf 12k now is getting insane.

Anyway, still gonna fly to taiwan on friday, hope this trip does me good. I haven't even packed yet. I keep complaining i have nothing to do.. but i never ever do things that i NEED to do.. maybe that is why there's so many things at the back of my head which is what kills. I mean i watched quite a few videos where the instructors play live, i mean i make exactly the same decisions they make juz that my bet sizing is probably different. Thats the only problem now. I really move to exploit people when i play now, i feel playing 2-4 tables is so much +EV for me as compared to me 9+ tabling. I really exploit max. I shouldn't be trying to do what OTHER people are doing, ie. 16 tabling, etc. I should be focusing on my strengths, 2-4 tabling, definately at a lower win-rate but HEY thats is what i am capable at the moment of, WINNING. IF only i had stuck to the initial plan from the start, there would be no problem. Ahhh not everyone in this world is given chances, i still have a little chance here, i should definately make this good.

I feel blogging is so much better, i really feel much more calm as compared to last time, not so rash, not so angry. haha, its juz wierd! I feel 1 big problem is i really get affected by all these bad beats sometimes especially when i make a good play.

villian is seemingly tight, juz sat down not much info but he has folded quite abit.
6-max blinds are 1/2
hero is in btn and is dealt 88

utg calls $2
co folds
hero raise $8
sb folds
bb(villian) raise $24
utg folds
hero calls $16

Pot: ~$51
Flop: 6 7 9 rainbow
Villian bet $27
Hero call $27

Turn: 2, Pot: ~$100
Villian checks with $142 behind
Hero bets $38
Villian raise $142
Hero fistpump snap CALLLLLLLL

Villian shows AQo and the river, sure enough Q

I didnt raise the flop because i would be raising, getting it in against him if he had better, and he could almost not have worse then me there unless its a bluff which would not call the raise. So i elected a call in this spot, bringing it to the turn to re-evaluate, theres so many possibilities. Turn was a total blank, i felt he is never checking his over pairs here on such a scary board and the bet-sizing also leans towards me believing his range includes random semi-bluffs and total air after he checked the turn, so i fucking hell bet so fuicking small to induce a shove from him with whatever bullshit he has cuz i felt he never ever has a set in this spot, he's not that good to put me on a hand, know what i will do on the turn etc. So i induced a shove and WHAT? he hit his 12%. This is crap man wtf. If only i was not so good, ie i bet bigger, i would have taken it down. If i was worse, i check and juz call his river bet or maybe even fold IDK. but at most im calling his river bet and i will save quite abit. BUT WTF NO!!!!!! HE must, whatever. Den i got set over set in a really awkward spot. oh well

I think capability wise, IM DEFINATELY over qualified for the job, but still i can work at this limit, at this site but i need to train my mental power. I gotta start having more discipline. This is so important to any poker player. Hope i can hit the nl400 tables when im back from taiwan to salvage whatever i can!

Thats all for now... GOOD LUCK

Juz to add

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_24rckdBPI

This thai song is by prik thai who is famous for the song rak sam sao.

After watching this video, it really make me very sad, tam phom ru suek sia jai mak.

I mean i think about the times i cheated on my gf, and how she would feel if she knew about it.. Our relationship is really on the rocks and we even nearly broke up last week, i told myself if she wanted a breakup then thats it. Its time to focus on my life now, since its in wreaks. She ended up pleading with me not to go, she really said somethings that make me feel wierd, made me cried. Really dunno where all this is going..

OH YAH! Juz got my PSP GO! from junjie for FUCKING $50SGD HOW COOL IS THAT! So happy, so rip off! wakakakka

Have a good weekend guys

Running good

Last week i made ~ 1.5k at the 1/2 tables, ran pretty good and definately happy with my play. I think losing 7k the previous week was a good wake up call for me. I mean although i was playing much much higher, i did not really feel any stress, and i was juz counting everything in bb. But i definately ran bad and could have played better. Anyway, this week on monday i was up another 1.5kusd ish, went to camp feeling like a champ. Camp was okay juz very basic stuff. Booked out, dropped that 1.5k almost immeditely at 1/2, and my backer berated me again. I was so fucking sick of all this and i kinda told him how i felt. Since then he has been nicer to me. He even agreed to lend me the money i wanted to borrow and i am really very grateful for that. It changed my opinion of him ALOT. I guess that leads to this weeks overall score to be up 1850 ish.

Also, i will be flying off to taiwan for till the end of the month on friday, really feel that i will do much better if i could stay in sg.

Mentality wise, i feel that poker is really like a job to me now, i feel like a pro player! Im more of telling myself, look you have to play now, dun waste time. And i dun really like YES I GET TO PLAY POKER. Its just so different. Putting in effort to watch cardrunners and 2+2 ing alot, basically doing what i can do to improve. I feel i've never had a chance to really play full-time without any distractions. Although still in for alot of makeup, im sure it will end soon the rate im going. Im a steamroller baby!

Oh yah, watched ironman 2 yesterday with junjie, pretty good. Cleared part of the debt those people were hounding me, hopefully i can end this week on a good note!

Cliffnotes:
+1.480 last week
+1850 this week (for now)
flying to taiwan till the end of the month on friday
settled some debts
backer aceeded to my request

Trying to get back on track

Gonna start this blog to post my poker adventures, and also to keep track of what i've done so far. I'm down $19000SGD and $4865USD now, i have a long way to go. As of now, my backer has given me a last chance so i will be playing NL200 on a small site. I will be tracking my wins/losses and also posting hands to improve my play. I gotta pull myself together for my girlfriend, poker is the only thing i know how to do, i have dedicated so much time to it. 3 years and still like this, seriously wtf. I duno why my people have so little respect for me, maybe its the things i do.. i duno man, maybe im juz too young to be involved in all this bloodshed. I put in so many hours every week when i book out only to end up losing more and more money, its absurd. Why didnt i juz continue school and now be a naive army boy who enjoys going out, clubbing, playing computer games when i book out? Why must i be this fucking tard who spends 30 hours a week playing poker? Book out on friday night and book in on sunday night, thats only like ~50hours. I think i am up there already, but my backer dosen't feel that way. I know my results are bad.. It has always been like this, even in school. Im good but i juz cant produce results.. this is a major life leak, will think about it this week.

On a brighter note, the BKK girl who's in love with me will be coming to singapore this weekend so i'll probably get an open goal =D but i got guard duty this week, fucked up.

On the other hand, this sat/sun is my gf's birthday, feel bad i can't be with her but given my current condition, i should be more worried about myself. Fuck im not even ready to have a gf. Oh well, i guess this bad part of my life will be over soon..